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Atrophos

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Jun. 8th, 2007 @ 03:36 am
first post in a long time. I am up at almost 4 am and freaking out. I know that this is due to being half-asleep and weird, but, I can't help it.

basically, I am starting to think that I should have been pre-med. I need to be a psychiatrist. Some part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and change my class registration for next semester immediately... but where would that leave me? a freshman again? There's no way that's working out. Am I just having a weird episode that will end soon? Probably. I just hate the idea of spending the rest of my life saying "I could have done it." At the same time... could I? What happens when I try to do the pre-med program in 3 years and fail horribly? The issue is that I'm really -not- a science person, I guess. As lazy as I am, could I get off my ass enough for 3 years to get this shit done? And after that, for many more years of med school, residency... god only knows. It doesn't help that I have only limited awareness of my goals. All I know is that I love psychology, and the neurological/biological/chemical part of it is increasingly fascinating to me.

fuck fuck fuck. work sucks. I keep burning myself, screwing things up, etc. I can't tell if I'm just a whiny bitch or if I'm seriously horrible at it. I have basically lost all of my friends in Charlotte... the ones I still have mostly piss me off. I'm essentially down to Parker and Sarah Barr, in terms of people I can stand.
My daily schedule:
wake up at noon
eat lunch/breakfast-- something unhealthy and simple.
screw around until I have to go to work at 5-- take a shower, shave, etc.
work until 9
come home, eat
play video games until 1 or 2
talk to people online
sleep
repeat.
I feel like I'm wasting all of my time. I need to "carpe diem" and all of that shit. This is not the time to waste away all my days. they should have to pry these hours from my grasp... I should go into that goddamn restaurant kicking and screaming. I've already missed most of my prime bad-decision-making years without having much fun... this should be my time to shine.

On another note, I increasingly find myself longing for things that can't be. I wish I had a southern accent. I wish I lived someplace where I had roots-- Chile, I guess. I wish I spoke spanish fluently... I would have a Chilean accent and everything. My life is too disconnected.

I can't rebel against tradition, because my family has no tradition... and if I can't rebel against it, I can't come "home again" and feel whole.
I want to live in a big old house on Queens Boulevard.
So many great artists and people leave their homes around this age, and then return in their old age-- it makes them comfortable, to be enshrouded in their homeland. Where is my home? My family is all over the place. The two places where my family has history-- Santiago and Boston-- I have never lived. How can that be home? I guess Charlotte is home, then... but I'll forever be a Yankee. When I say y'all, eat barbeque, and drink Sweet Tea and Cheerwine, it's a sham. Desperate graspings at a home that was never mine. We are the freaks of history-- moving constantly, throwing everything away, not knowing our past... it's a stereotype, but it's true. I hate living in a time where I can do whatever I want. How can you rebel when everyone is a rebel? I want to have grown up wearing a suit to church every sunday, so I could stop going to church and put the suit in mothballs until I was 30, when I'd start going again. It isn't "traditional" if you're doing it for the first time.
fuck. I want to live in the past, but I love the future even more.

Jul. 30th, 2006 @ 05:15 am
so, I hate working at Bi-Lo more than anything. I'm posting this at 5:15 AM because I have work at 6. this job sucks ass. I am too tired to go into detail right now. the worst part is, I realize that it could be a lot worse, and I could be paid a lot less (well, a dollar less, with the new increase in minimum wage.)

positive note: I dig chicks with short hair. But don't cut your hair for me, ladies-- I'm taken. Although, as certain friends of mine can attest, I will consistently compliment your hair if you do get it cut short.

note for the future: have you ever woken up like 2 hours early, and not been able to fall back asleep? doing this when "2 hours early" means "3 AM" is not fun.

only 2 more weeks of this crap, though. And then off to Wash U, and maybe a fun job at the radio station or the newspaper or the library. or, no job at all!
probably it'll be something like, no job at all until I realize I'm out of cash and I beg someplace to hire me.

Jul. 19th, 2006 @ 01:33 pm
it is straight-up -neccessary- for you to read the review of The Sammies on pitchforkmedia! they're a local band (ie: from Charlotte) and they kick ass.

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/page/track_reviews/37349/The_Sammies_Falling_Out#37349

maybe if enough people read it they'll review more Morisen Records bands, even.

Apr. 28th, 2006 @ 11:58 pm
My Records, with notes:

I have only included records that are actually "mine", not any of my parents ones.

original old-ish stuff (ie: anything from before I was born.):
Black Sabbath-- Black Sabbath-- 1970
Jimi Hendrix-- Electric Ladyland-- 1968
The Mamas and the Papas-- 16 of their greatest hits--
Jefferson Airplane-- Surrealistic Pillow-- 1966 (on see-through orange vinyl! purchased in Greensborough for less than a dollar!)
X-- Around My Heart-- special LP single, for promotional use only.
The Feelies-- Only Life--1988
Butthole Surfers-- Psychic... Powerless... Another Man's Sack.-- 1984
Pere Ubu-- Dub Housing-- 1978
The Vapors-- New Clear Days--1980 (it only cost 1$, ok!? Shut up!)
Tears for Fears-- The Hurting-- 1983 (see above)
Elvis Costello-- My Aim is True-- 1977
Elvis Costello-- Armed Forces-- 1978
Star Wars-- Original Motion Picture Sound Track--1977
David Bowie-- The Rise and fall of Ziggy Stardust and the spiders from mars-- 1972 (note on back: TO BE PLAYED AT MAXIMUM VOLUME)
Context 70-- Context 70-- Hell yes. this is a record made by a bunch of highschoolers in 1970. the pictures alone are worth it.
the B52's-- The B52's-- 1979
Procul Harum-- Broken Barricades--1971-- someone drew a swastika on the inside cover with a marker.
REO Speedwagon-- you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish-- I bought it for the cover alone. 1$.
Simon and Garfunkel-- Sounds of Silence
Elvis Costello-- this year's model-- 1978
2001, a Space Odyssey Soundtrack
Lou Reed- Walk on the wild side, the best of-- BEST BUY SERIES!
Blondie-- Parallel Lines-- 1978
REM-- Document-- 1987
REM-- Murmur--1983
The Knack-- Get the Knack!-- 1979 (it was embarassing. I bought it just to be able to say I owned it, and made a joke to the cashier, and hethought I seriously liked them. He said something like "no man. they suck." )
The Ramones-- Wierd promotional thing that I got-- 1981
Led Zeppelin-- IV/"Zoso"-- 1971



reissues:
the velvet underground with Nico--orig. 1967
Bob Dylan-- Bob Dylan-- Orig. 1962
Sonic Youth-- (The Original Record released march 1982)-- orig. 1982
Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers-- Moanin'-- orig. 1958
The Ramones-- Ramones-- orig. 1976
Minor Threat-- Minor Threat-- orig. 1981
Fugazi-- 13 Songs-- orig. 1988
Television-- Marquee Moon-- orig. 1977
Husker Du-- New Day Rising-- orig 1985
The Velvet Underground-- White Light/White Heat-- orig. 1968
The Velvet Underground-- Loaded-- orig. 1970
Iggy and the Stooges-- Raw Power--1973
Nirvana-- Bleach (I wasn't really sure which section to put this one in.)-- 1989


new-er/indie stuff:
Of Montreal-- Satanic Panic in the Attic-- 2003
Slint-- Spiderland-- 1991
The White Stripes-- De Stijl-- 2002

45's:
Jon Spencer Blues Explosion-- Bellbottoms (on white vinyl! pretty)
Cat Power-- The Greatest
Kodan Armada/What's yr Damage-- Split
The Strokes-- Hard to Explain
Billy Joel-- Only the Good die Young
Death Cab for Cutie-- Soul meets Body (I have never listened to it. I got it for free)
nirvana-- Sliver/dive
Men Without Hats-- Safety Dance
Men Without Hats-- Pop Goes the World
Dub Narcotic-- Fuck Shit Up (K Records! Woohoo!)

45's that were so cool that i gave to liz (because she has the same birthday as Arthur Lee)
The Make Up-- Free Arthur Lee!


screw it, my parents will never notice that they're missing:
Led Zeppelin I
Led Zeppelin II
various beatles
some eric clapton stuff

Apr. 27th, 2006 @ 08:15 pm
so, I got applications for Moe's and "It's a Grind". The second being a really lame coffee shop near my house.

my plan is to organize my LP's this weekend. How awesome is that.

umm... I"m going to have to take my latin exam. this is horrendous.

unless I get a 98 or above on the next test. When I don't think I've gotten above an A- all year. (and the A- is stretching it... I maybe got a B+).

damn.

so, I'm listening to Surrealistic Pillow. "White Rabbit" came on. I looked down, and the next latin vocab word is "herba, herbae-- weed, grass"

the record is see-through orange. I love it. i got it for less than a dollar.
Other entries
» this is it!
this is it.

calling a person a "dish"
cookin with gas
the bee's knees
a chump's game
"My god man! That went out with button shoes!"
"the cat's pajamas."
"the cat's meow."
I'm on that like a cheap suit!
I'm on that like white on rice!
» (No Subject)
so.
today, I learned that my philosophy of life is existencialism. This is funny for this reason: I first thought it out when I was in 10th grade. I was always kind of skeptical that I'd come up with it on my own.

so, wash u tommorow! hoorah!

so, I am packing. Currently this consists of a pile of clothes, my cd case, my brother's cd player (I cannot find mine), my headphones, and a vague idea of what homework I need to bring. fun!
» (No Subject)
damn, this is a drama-filled time.
I'm sitting in english class. I've finished my prompt. I'm filled with the feeling I get at the end of every english class-- ooh, I get to go see liz now. she'll be waiting for me outside the door. I'll walk her to art class.

but wait. did she ever do that? no. I had to wait for her. or else she'd just walk off with her other friends. I feel like I just spent a year and a half with that feeling-- constantly hoping that she'd do something nice. I guess she did, at some point... but after a while, I liked her wayyy more than she liked me.

I leave campus, I go get coffee by myself. I read the new issue of Amps 11. I get upset by the horrible lack of editing-- I want to send them a letter saying I'll edit them for free. seriously, they don't know how to speak english.
as I'm leaving coffeeworks, I see brandon pull up with liz in the passenger seat. i felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. ugh. no more happy indie-pop for me on the way home. Back to Spiderland.
slint is all I can listen to. the thing is, I can't connect to the sad lost-love songs, because I don't really have any urge to cry myself to sleep, or stare at an empty pillow, or anything emo sounding like that.

there are so many songs that are ruined for me now. how do I ever listen to any of those songs again? I'll have to have a banned-list. But... how many of them are my favorite songs? Far too many.

At lunch, mitch said that liz only stayed together with me for the past week because she wanted to go to prom.
five minutes later, he said she only went to prom with me because she was afraid I'd ask someone else.
I'm glad that I spent all that time and effort on someone like that. instead of going with someone fun, I got to get criticized and bitched at the whole time. whatever. afterwards we went home and watched My Neighbor Totoro, which was cute. I had to leave before it was over.

the thing is, I felt like this (ie: horrendous) all of yesterday. it was like I had a premonition or something. ugh.

and yet, somehow, I just feel kind of dead. I just want to sit and be empty. Liz was probably my best friend, and I can't stand to talk to her. All of my other friends are never free to hang out, or far away, or have some other problem that keeps them from being around.

I want to destroy something. i want to punch that fellow in the face. I want to scream obscenities and throw things at her. I want to tell people bitter stories. I want to write an angry song. or a sad song. but I never could. I know I won't do any of these things.

i'll just sit here, ranting to your poor, abused ears. I'm sorry. but I need to vent.

I want my goddamn Fortune Cookie Prize back. But I think she left a long time ago.
» (No Subject)
so, I enjoy the comic http://www.questionablecontent.net lately. by which I mean: I have read about 3 years worth of comics today. the thing is, he has set up a system of characters where if any of them ever changes in any way, the strip is ruined. The guy can't ever get the girl, the girl can't ever get the guy, the girl can't ever get over her emotional problems, and the other girl can't ever stop being a slut. third girl will always be stupid. but dang, I am swept up by their intrigue and references to indie bands.

edit: um, I was wrong, one of the girls got the guy. now I'm wondering what will happen next. damn.

I burned a plethora of cds today. Including:
Guided by Voices-- Bee Thousand
Neutral Milk Hotel-- In the aeroplane over the sea
Wilco-- A Ghost is Born
Spoon- Girls can Tell
new pornographers-- twin cinema
probably some other things. i forget.

oh, and, to add to my list in the previous post:
get dumped by Liz
» (No Subject)
things to do today:
burn a cd of some new bands to listen to
check out places where I might work   (the new coffee place, the new movie theatre, the older coffee place, mccallisters: none had a "we're hiring" sign. i just realized, maybe I should have asked if they were hiring.)
begin cleaning garage
figure out how to pay back the $2-300 that I owe my parents
fill out housing application for Wash U
Cut as much as is humanly possible out of my one-act
call the people in my play and figure out who can do which parts
final edit of senior ethical statement, print out a copy, put a copy on a disc.
figure out why the idea of doing anything other than sit in front of my computer makes me feel completely overwhelmed and Buried.
take back tux

things that were not on any reasonable list, that I have already done:
sleep until 1
mope around and listen to slint
eat junk food in excess
read webcomics for hours
have a messy room
be paranoid about liz being in rock hill for some reason
avoid doing any work

anyway, here's my senior ethical statement so far. It's short, and I think it sucks. but my AP english teacher loved it and told me she didn't see anything that needed changing.

so. if you have any ideas, pray tell.

I realize the opening sentence is shitty. it is a placeholder until i think of something better.

            There is one thing which I believe could help all people. No matter what our particular beliefs, we all, obviously, view the world through a certain filter. This filter is created by our parents, our schools, the books we read, and anything else that introduces ideas. No one is immune from this—it is the most basic part of human nature. However, we can teach ourselves to reevaluate our opinions to take a more balanced approach.

            Personally, I consider myself to be very liberal—that is, my gut reactions follow a “progressive” slant, as well as my well-thought-out opinions. A perfect example is the issue of the Patriot Act, and other such measures. Initially, of course, I react on a gut level. I make a number of assumptions. The President is a crypto-fascist! The Republicans want to take away our rights! On the other hand, many people find the Patriot Act completely reasonable, and necessary. In thinking about this, I realized the error in my thinking: I was no more correct in making these assumptions than someone else would be in assuming that because I oppose the Patriot Act, I hate America. I needed to examine the basic assumptions which led to the passage of the act—just as I have a basic belief that the restriction of civil liberties is unacceptable, others valued the protection of human life more.

`This may seem like a simple idea, but thinking about the basic precepts which shape our opinions has lead me to a better understanding of the need for balance. Both points of view are essential for a functioning society; if the decision were up to me, civil liberties would never be restricted. I realize that there is a theoretical point at which a line must be drawn, however, I cannot draw it. This is why an appreciation for other’s motivations and thought processes is essential—now that I have begun trying to understand, I find it easier to imagine compromise.


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